Am I actually the person acting like a jerk right now?

I participate in a wide variety of discussions on the internet (mostly in relation to tabletop games), and on occasion I will find myself responding to some aggravating comments. It’s in those moments when I’m pounding away at the keyboard that I try to step back and ask myself, “Wait, am I being a jerk?”

Sometimes the answer is no. But sometimes, sure enough, my response isn’t kind (or at least neutral), and that is directly counter to my goal of building community. Regardless of how the other person is acting, I have control over my own behavior.

There are various versions of this question; here are some others that I ask myself (and often wish others would ask themselves):

• Would I speak differently if the other person was a friend or if I was face to face with them?
• Is the phrasing of my question, request, or post aligned with the outcome I’m hoping to achieve? (i.e., if I start a conversation by calling a game “a total joke”, I shouldn’t be surprised when the ensuing conversation ignores my more salient points)
• Is this an opportunity to ask a question instead of assuming or declaring? (i.e., it’s really important to get the facts straight before forming conclusions. See also this open letter to the internet.)
• Am I addressing the right person for this criticism or question? (i.e., if I have a question about a game in a specific language or digital format, am I asking the correct publisher/developer?)
• What if everyone requested this or asked this privately? (i.e., if 1,000 people asked this same question, would that be fair to the person I’m asking? See also the value of public questions.)

I truly believe that the internet would be a better place if we more consistently asked ourselves a self-awareness question. So I asked Stonemaier ambassadors to see if any of them had a question along these lines, and they had some great responses beyond those listed above. Here are a few of the 100+ questions they shared:

• 

  Am I participating in this discussion to be helpful or I just have something to prove?

• Does this affect my daily life? If so, is there anything I can do about it?
• Is this helping or hurting?
• Will this comment help anything/anyone?
• What am I trying to achieve?
• Am I treating this person like a person, or like a symbol of something I dislike?
• Am I responding to what they actually said or to the worst interpretation of it?
• Am I expecting others to think the way I do?
• Deep breath, how would I want someone to respond to me on this?
• Does my comment add value to the conversation?
• Would I be happy with what I wrote if I come back to the thread and reread it in the future?
• If I did not know me and my intentions, what would be my first reaction to reading what I wrote?
• Is my response furthering a meaningful discussion or just adding fuel to the fire?
• Is my comment on topic?
• Is this really worth letting someone who has no real impact on my life get me upset?
• What am I actually upset about that is provoking this reaction from me?
• What am I missing?
• What implicit bias do I have that is making me react this way?
• What is driving my need to respond right now?
• What is the right thing to do/say?
• What would my mom/spouse think if they saw me acting this way?
• Would I do/say this in a professional setting?

Do you have a go-to self-awareness question that helps you be the best version of yourself on the internet? Let me know in the comments.

Also read: An Open Letter to the Internet

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